Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
True strength comes from lack of pants
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
