There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
