On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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