4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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