This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
