So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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