i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
