Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
