my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
