I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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