I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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