my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
