I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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