we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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