your room smells of hookers.
And success
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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