Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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