she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
