Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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