New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
