I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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