Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
