May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
