Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
