Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
