Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
