i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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