i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
