I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
