It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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