I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
