dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
