I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
