I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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