Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
