He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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