I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's never too late to be topless.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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