I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
