I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize