He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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