i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
