im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
