Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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