Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize