Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
