I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
