The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
