Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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