in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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