I cannot find my penis.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
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