sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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