six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
