oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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