I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
