How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
