just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
