Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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