If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
