He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
