I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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