i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
His nipple licking is glorious
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