U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize