i barfeds in our rink
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
