Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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