Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
