Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
