You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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